Dear Rabbi,

My father, may he rest in peace, had a falling out with his brother many decades ago. From the little I know, it was not a matter of abuse, theft, or anything dramatic. It was simply a disagreement that hardened over time until they stopped speaking altogether.

My father has since passed away, and my uncle is still alive. I want to reach out to him, but I feel I would be betraying my father, as though picking up the phone would dishonor his memory. Am I right to keep the distance he kept? Is that not a form of honoring my father, one of the 10 Commandments?

Dan

Dear Dan,

We inherit a great deal from our parents. The shape of our nose. An awkward laugh. A house, if we are lucky. And sometimes, we inherit their fights, although we had no part in creating them.

What you feel is real, and it comes from love and honor. So let us give it its due.

There is a story that I read recently that deeply impacted me. A respected chassidic Jew, Rabbi Yitzchak Dovber Ushpol, lost his wife after thirty years of marriage. Barely a month later, in a private meeting, the Rebbe gently suggested that he be open to the idea of remarrying. He was floored.

When a soul leaves this world, the Rebbe explained, it leaves behind anything that pertains to its bodily needs. It remains fully aware of what is happening to the friends and relatives it has left behind, yet it feels no anger or jealousy. The only thing it desires is happiness for others. If you remain alone and forlorn, the Rebbe told Rabbi Ushpol, you will be causing your wife anguish. The soul of the departed is distressed when those close to them experience undue grief or depression. Conversely, the soul rejoices when their loved ones move beyond their initial pain and continue to build their lives and inspire others. If you remarry and become happy once more, you will make your wife the happiest.

Now, let’s consider your question with that in mind.

The part of your father that fought this battle belonged to this world. What remains is the purest essence of him, and that essence sees with a clarity we do not possess. He no longer experiences the anger, hurt, and stubbornness that so often accompany human conflict. He sees what mattered and what did not. He sees the people involved more clearly than they ever saw one another.

I can think of no greater way to honor your late father than to manifest that clarity in the physical world. You are not betraying your father by ending a grudge he no longer carries; you are honoring his true wishes.

I warmly encourage you to call your uncle. Today.